DRINKS BEFORE DINNER

As in spyware, malware, mal a la teteware. The recent sweep that netted a posse of Soviet-era spies seems to have come up one short. That would be the viral mole who's holed up in my computer. When he is found and traded for a good hitter to fill a slot at the end of the Detroit Tigers batting order, Drinks Before Dinner will be back in business.

Barbara has the week off. If she didn't, she might caution against writing on something about which I know so little. But since that admonishment applies to almost everything in Drinks Before Dinner, onward and upward Glenn Beck: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up.’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.” “The only [Katrina victims] we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.” Michele Bachmann: “I don’t know where we’re going to get all this money because we’re running out of rich people in this country.” Rush Limbaugh: “We’ve already donated to Haiti. It’s called the U.S. Income Tax.” Ann Coulter: “I don’t really like to think of it as a murder. It was terminating [Dr. George] Tiller in the 203rd trimester…. I am personally opposed to shooting abortionists, but I don’t want to impose my moral values on others.” “There are a lot of bad Republicans. There are no good Democrats.” Rand Paul: (on BP) “Sometimes, acc...

--It’s a beautiful evening. Want to sit on the patio? --You go ahead. --What’s wrong? --No, go on ahead, I’m fine. I just want to sit here. --Come on, fess up. What’s wrong? --“Fess up.” That’s an apt phrase. Eleven Russians were arrested for spying this week. The cold war ended twenty years ago, but they were ordered to maintain their deep-cover mole status anyway. --I read about it. They were all posing as suburbanites. --The FBI’s been tracking them for seven years. Seven years, Barbara. --So what? You thought the Russkies just Fed-Xed all their spycams and shotgun mics back to Moscow? Their wigs and fake beards? --Apparently, they never learned anything to pass along. --Well, isn’t that a good thing? --One of them tried to buy a cell phone. She gave her address as Fake Street. That’s how the crack FBI operatives nabbed her. The only reason the Bureau sprang into action is because one of the others bought a one-way ticket to Cyprus. You can’t invest seven years of taxpayers’ money o...