DRINKS BEFORE DINNER

As with the terrible verbal crime committed recently by Rahm Emanuel against Mrs. Palin and her son (Google “retarded”), breaking news requires that DBD set aside its regularly scheduled post. Tiger Woods has at last emerged from his long night of the soul. Finally he has shared with a rapt world his guilt, his acceptance of his guilt, and more of his guilt. It would be wrong just to continue on our frivolous way, as though nothing had happened. We trust you understand. Anyone on the planet who has not watched Tiger in this important moment in his life and in the life of golf and in the lives of twelve or fifteen of his sex partners, and his wife and mom, and his endorsement sponsors is either conducting research deep below the earth’s crust, or is suffering from a terminal illness, and has elected in favor of cryogenic suspension. Commentators are divided in their reactions. One school of thought points to Tiger’s lack of emotion while delivering his remarks, presenting himself...

Barbara’s temp job as a movie extra led to good times for DBD. Among them were stories related to a crime film being made at one of the many defunked plants in the Detroit area. --The set was fantastic, just amazing. Urban sinister at its best. --We do that well here. --Across from where we parked, there was this long, sort of outdoor corridor between huge warehouses. Like an alley, but wide. Looming. Then, inside, these wide, dingy halls. But it was a hard day. --How so? --I’m just glad I went to the bathroom before I joined the others. Five hours, and not one break. --Why not? --I don’t know. Maybe because it’s an indie film and they don’t have any money. --You need to budget for pee breaks? Porta-potties can’t cost much to rent. --You asked, I don’t know. But the crew worked very hard, I can tell you that. They were all very focused. --And no catering? Nothing to eat? In the credits, they always mention the caterer. --Nothing. But I went to the bathroom first, so that ...

Because of cheap coolie labor now available all over the world, added to which are the huge tax breaks offered to foreign car makers by southern states conveniently hostile to unions, the former car capital of the world—Michigan--has had to take drastic steps. Among them are tax breaks, offered not to foreign companies, but to our domestic film industry. The result has been a blizzard of movies being made in the state. Before we left for Florida, Barbara worked in several. --Are you excited about tomorrow? --I guess I am. Yes, I am. I’m looking forward to it. --And the title again? --Crave. It’s a crime story. I appear in a murder scene. --One of several, or just the one? --One what? --Murder scenes. I see you have your little costume bag all packed. --I don’t know how many murders take place. They said to bring four or five different outfits. So they can choose. --Maybe one for each homicide. And you’re cast in the role of a gawker. --Watch the mockery, please. Extras aren...

Before leaving Michigan, we learned something new about our community --Did you know we had a sweat lodge right here in our own backyard? --Not before I saw the article. --Do you know what they are? --The name pretty much says it, don’t you think? --You do what? Just get under some tarps and sweat? --Well, there has to be a little more to it, I suppose. Etiquette to be observed. Special clothes, hand signals, bowing. You have to have people trained to prepare the rocks. Sometimes, everything’s done in silence. --Silent sweating. That shouldn’t be too challenging. --You know what I mean. The spiritual experience. In some places, it’s supposed to be silent, in others they chant or drum. --What are the rocks for? --I thought you read the article. --It said nothing about rocks. --The lodge is like a sauna. Rocks are heated in advance until they’re red hot. Then they bring them inside to promote the sweat-lodge experience. --I loved the names of the leaders. Please hand me the pap...

THESPIANS & GROWTH-HORMONE PATIENTS WELCOME Last fall, it became all too clear that we would need to sell our Michigan house. But before we listed it, a realtor "made contact," wondering if we were interested in showing the place to an out-of-town client. We agree to let her see it --Are you pleased with your efforts? --Pleased isn’t the word. I did my job, that’s all. I was cordial and chatty. --Did this Jane person fall in love with the old place? --You coward. Leaving me here alone like that. Taking off with the dog. --I told you over and over I was going to. Didn’t you believe me? --I thought you said it for emphasis. To express how little you liked the idea of selling the house. --That’s exactly true. I hate the idea. It’s why I left. --Where’d you go? --To the park on Martin Road. Chelsea wasn’t much interested. So, give me some details. You say she was theatrical. --Dramatic, but not over-the-top. She said she played the woman teacher in The History Bo...

Is learning what lies beneath the surface always advisable? --I had to shake you. “Honey? Honey?” --Well, I was having a nightmare. --I was up early, reading my mail in the study. I went in the bedroom, I thought you were having a stroke. You made this gargling sound, then you were denouncing someone. You used to do that just after we got married. I’d wake up to this muttering, guttural rage. I thought you were dreaming what you really wanted to say to me. You don’t do it now. --No, it was just a nightmare. --Tell me. --A dog and a bobcat were fighting. I was trying to protect the dog. --Our dog? --No, a different one. Dark reddish brown, like an Irish setter. --Huh. --But it wasn’t an Irish setter, it was bigger. Heavier. Like a lab, but taller. --One of the new hybrids. And you were protecting the dog. --Trying to. --I’m curious. How did you know the other animal was a bobcat? Have you ever seen a bobcat? I haven’t. --No, I just knew that’s what it was. --Maybe someo...

Yes, it does look like that, but don’t say it. --Is there anything I can do? --No, sweetheart, thanks anyway. Dinner in about twenty minutes. --What’s this? --That’s the pesto. Right out of our garden. --I see. --What’s it look like to you? --Well… --It looks like a little token from a Canadian goose. --Jesus, Barbara. You have a way of setting the table. --Be honest, that’s what you were thinking. I could tell from your expression. --I was going to say it looks like finely chopped spinach. --Don’t worry. I promise it will look better when it comes out on the plate. --When the token from the Canadian goose comes out on the plate. Please go to commercial. --Let’s see… OK. “I just finished a magical, luminous, hauntingly beautiful work of fiction by Barry Knister.” How am I doing? --Very well, almost perfect. Clearly, you’re paying attention to your dust jackets. Magical, luminous and hauntingly beautiful provide just the right breathless tone, both lilting and meaningless. Pl...